If you want something, ask for it. You don’t necessarily have to ask out loud, though it is often the quickest way to getting your needs met. But, what if you are asking for the wrong thing? Or, just not asking clearly?

I really want a cookie right now. I do not want an oatmeal raisin cookie. Is that clear?

A few years ago my friend, Kortney, and I had just finished lunch while on a break from work. On the way back to the office I stated that I wanted a cookie, a chocolate chip cookie. We stopped at a coffee shop that also served baked goods. We walked up to the counter and I chose a chocolate chip cookie and a brownie (it just looked good). I was anticipating getting back to our office and opening my treat, planning to save the brownie for the following day. Sitting at my desk I peeled the plastic off the cookie, took a bite, and heard Kortney laughing at the expression on my face. It was not a chocolate chip cookie. It was oatmeal raisin, and it was in the trash. I know, wasteful, but I wasn’t going to eat it. I don’t have anything against oatmeal raisin cookies, especially if my brother, Jeff, has made them. But, when I get a craving I like to satisfy that craving. Trying to redeem the moment and satisfy myself, I unwrapped the brownie and took a bite. Yuck. Ok, it probably wasn’t bad at all, but it wasn’t what I wanted. Kortney saved the brownie from the fate of the garbage, “You can’t throw a brownie away!” she said.

How could that situation have been different? I could have actually asked the cashier if the cookie I had was chocolate chip. It wasn’t very bright in the coffee shop and the sign posted did say “Choc0late chip, Oatmeal raisin, Macadamia nut”. So, it is understandable how the cookies might have looked similar, but, I didn’t ask.

Children of all ages, birth to adolescence, ask for things to get their needs met. Sometimes they ask with words and sometimes they don’t, leaving the adult to interpret the need (best of luck). This is how life works. But, what if children could be taught to ask or express their needs so that confusion happens less often? The answer is that they can be taught. The first step is teaching the adults how to do support them.

A child asks to go to the park. You say you will take them. The child runs to their room and begins gathering items to take. You stop them and say that you’re not going to take everything. The child becomes upset. You become upset. No one goes to the park. Likely, the child had a plan in their mind. They wanted to take certain toys and use them at the park, but was unable to express this to you. Let me interpret: “Can we go to the park?” really might mean, “Can we go to the park? I want to take my buckets and shovels and make sand castles like we did when we went to the beach last summer. I had so much fun with you and and I want to experience that again. I also want to take my ball so that we can kick it on the grass. I also want to take my book because I love it when you read to me and since you always sit at the park, I thought you might like to read to me…” Adults can help teach children to express themselves by first interpreting for the child what they see. For example, “It looks like you want to take some toys to the park with you. You’ve packed the sand toys. What do you want to do with the sand toys?” Even if the child is unable to answer you, you are still modeling for them. Soon, they will be asking and expressing themselves more fully.

Often, when a child becomes upset for what appears to be no reason, the likely reason is just in their head and they can’t get it out. They are unable to express themselves. You don’t have to be a mind reader to explain to the child that it looks like they are upset or frustrated. Just let them know you understand their feelings. I am certainly not suggesting that this is an easy task, but stick with it. Your child will soon be able to identify their feelings and with that will come the expressions of what they want. You don’t always have to give them what they are asking for, but do acknowledge their feelings and desires.

Back to my cookie. When I was still in middle school, my family visited my Aunt Julie and Uncle Mark. Aunt Julie had made chocolate chip cookie bars. They were divine. I have never tasted anything as good, but some chocolate chip cookies come close and satisfy my cravings. The day I threw the oatmeal raisin cookie in the trash, I realized later that what I really wanted was to revisit that time with my family. Yes, the taste was the trigger, but it was the feeling of my family sitting around the table, eating cookie bars and playing games that I was truly craving. As soon as I verbalized it, to myself, the craving went away.

P.S. The techniques we use for children also work on adults- loved ones, coworkers, friends. You just have to use different language. Happy interpreting!